Good things after my break up

After the break up, I only see the loneliness it gives me. I am alone, no one is asking me how was my day. No one send me a good morning message. No one says good night. I have no one to tell about how was my day. No one to go with me if I want to watch a movie. No one to go with if I am craving something. Those were the things I really missed the most. These thoughts only just kills me. After sometime, I suddenly felt a little happiness around me. Not 100%, but little by little.

  1. I appreciate the people around me
  2. I got to meet new people in the campus
  3. I learn how to speak Korean more
  4. I talked to my family!
  5. I traveled a lot
  6. I loved myself

People to thank:

Jazreth,

Ate Aly

The pinoys

My family

Sen and Pau

my labmates

my bffs, kim and rc

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Random thoughts in the process of moving on

05/30/2018

Hearing your name, seeing the things that you used before, the things that you gave me and your picture, makes me remember the pain. The pain when you left me. It is still there. But not that I will cry because of these. I am just embracing the pain that it gives me. I should not avoid it anymore. I need to get used to it and acknowledge it to be able to move on. I don’t cry anymore nowadays. But I get depressed too much. My confidence is totally gone. But I am trying to get up now and accept the reality that there is no “US” now. The things will never go back to where it used to be. That is life. People come and go to teach me a lesson. And I realize all of it now. You leaving me was the scariest moment I cannot imagine before. During those time, I think I cannot live anymore if you leave me. I will be the loneliest person in the world and I don’t know what to do. But look at me now. I am still alive, trying to accept everything, learning my lesson, getting strong. I hope the next time I will see you, there’s a smile in my face already. A smile that I am grateful that you came to my life and by teaching me this lesson. In the past years, I haven’t experience anything like this. The feeling of being down, I want to watch sad movies because I want to cry much because there is really no drama in my life during that time. But now that I experienced this, I guess this is just the start of me to be matured. The biggest drama of my life as of now, and my first lowest time of my life. And I am trying to live. Trying to survive.

06/18/2018

Hey. another thoughts again.. I suddenly thought whether to see your instagram or your kakao, but I am totally stopping myself. Like, why the hell should i do that? to just hurt myself? Just because I am thinking of you now.

I improved nowadays. I don’t think that much about you, maybe just thrice a day. In the morning, random time, and before i sleep. Whenever I feel lonely, I listen to music. Especially Maroon 5’s “Girls like you” and “Beautiful Goodbye”. It makes me feel better. It makes me back to be motivated. And it makes me think only positive things. I don’t know if you care about my progress though but I know you will be happy to hear that I am having a good progress now. 🙂 And another music that is really nice to hear, “Meant to be” by Bebe Rexha, FloRida.

The lyrics goes like this. ” If it’s meant to be, it will be. It will be. Baby, Just let it be.”

07/05/2018

I just got back from vacation. A lot of things got better.

Moving on process

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Day 22 since we broke up. April 11

I literally broke out in the morning. I thought I am getting better but in the end I am just trying. I blocked him in any way possible. Facebook, instagram and kakaotalk. I should’ve done it sooner. I thought that it is okay, just i will not message him, but NO. it is not okay. you should block him. because the sight of him that he is getting happier without you is the most painful feeling ever. He is happy and you are suffering. It is miserable. I started writing this blog this day. gonna update how I am trying to survive everyday to get better. I also went to field to listen to a motivational videos in youtube. It helps me a lot. however, sometimes the thought of him still comes back. but still I am improving, slowly.

Day 24 April 12

When I found out that there’s another girl. A more successful girl. I was about to breakdown during the class but I just let it all out by writing. I feel so insecure. Down. Low self-esteem. that that girl is better. Maybe social life and attainment in life is more important. I was thinking like that all through-out my class. But as I am listening in motivation videos in Youtube, I started to get back on my knees. And start telling myself. Focus on yourself. Get back to your old self. Be happy. Focus on your dream. There are a lot of people out there who are suffering more than you do so stop playing the victim story. Do something. Focus on what you can do. Always tell yourself that it will get better. I still didn’t cry for the day. I will run outside and let it all out today.

Day 25 April 13

During the night I only woke up once which I think was a good thing. I was very sleepy and talked to my angel to let me sleep again and not to think too much. It was effective. I slept and woke up again. I am planning to sleep again however, at the back of my mind, myself is telling me to wake up since I have a presentation today. But, when I woke up, the thought of him comes to my mind. I MISS HIM. I want to remove that thought. But it ends up that I embraced that thought that “Yeah. I miss him. so. much.” I listened to motivational soundtrack in spotify it was very helpful. I started to read a manga in my phone. I listened to music “STRONGER” by Kelly Clarkson. and when I arrived in my office, again. I MISS HIM. I am doing my work. I did my presentation and I prayed to God I hope I can survive the presentation. And yes. I survived. I was about to cry in my achievement. I want to go home. because even when I am presenting I only think of him. I want to finish this thinking. I want to go home. I want to have a new life and people. I am so tired thinking of him. My body is getting weak. My heart is aching. The though of him makes my whole body ache. I am so hurt. It is Friday the 13th. This is the day when I don’t have any plan with other people so I am thinking “What do I want to do?” I want to prepare food. I want to learn how to cook. I want to read a book. I want to learn another language.

Day 26 April 14

I am alone at home. During the first week after the breakup, the moment of being alone at night was the scariest. But this moment came for the first time. I didn’t feel scared at all, I actually somewhat like it since i can cry as much as i can. I stalked him and his ex. (Yes i know. I’m a masochist) and I just tortured myself. I feel so insecure AGAIN. I slept. But then I woke up after 3 hours. The heavy feeling in my heart every time I woke was there again. I broke out. I cried. A lot. I miss him. I am so jealous of the girl. I want him. Back. However, at the back of my mind, someone is telling me. You don’t deserve the treatment he gave you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Hang in there. You’ll get over it. I was torn whether I should keep my instagram or just be away to social media for now. Let myself be healed and whole again. I keep telling myself “don’t torture yourself. Keep your heads up. You deserve to be happy.”

I had a trip today. Hiking. It was raining too much. I wonder if I can survive the hike since I had the problem breathing. When I was in the bus I was about to breakout. I know. I know. I am really being such a weakling especially that it was already the 26th day. I really want to move on and forget everything already. I am so INSECURE. I became so independent to him. I hate him and at some point I really do miss him. We had a stopover before we went to our destination. I told you I was about to breakout and I prepared myself to cry inside the toilet, but then a girl approached me with her umbrella (I was too focused to cry that I forgot that it was raining), my tears fall back. I talked to her while going to the toilet and in the end. I didn’t cry. I think this was God telling me, “Don’t cry, meet people. talk to them. That’s your personality right? You’re good at talking. So go. Talk to them.” and I did. but I didn’t talk that much compare to what I was before. (it will be soon)

I finished my very first hike in my life. I survived. My heart aches once in a while during the hike. I wish I am here with him. Enjoying this nice scenery. But it hurts me thinking that it is not the case now. He is gone in my life. Painful reality.

It was a good experience though. Meeting other people. And enjoying the scenery. A date with other people and myself.

Went home. Went to club. I was distracted. But in the end. I missed him. So. Much. Am i really moving on? Is this really part of the process? Goodnight.

Day 27 April 15

Good morning Sunday. I was so tired yesterday and I just got home 3 am earlier. I thought I can sleep continuously. But. I woke up twice. And as usual. It still hurts. I am wondering now while I am writing this. When will I ever write here that it doesn’t hurt anymore? He’s gone. He’s gone. That is the first thoughts that come to my mind whenever I woke up. The owner of our building asked me how “WE” are going. But there’s no “WE” anymore. So i just joked that I don’t know the guy that she was talking about. Yea. Sounds bitter but that’s how I handle it. Should I deactivate my insta or not? I am still thinking about this.

I went to church. While I was on my way to church and on my way going home, my thoughts were just imagining my future self that is already moved on and happy. So now I can really be alone. I am messaging this guy (not my ex. but other) that I know he is also living around here. We kinda been talking for 1 week now. And he is kinda good but then I realize, I am so lazy. Talking to other people. At first it was exciting but then. I felt so lazy. I felt like I want to do the things I want to do first rather than talking. So I just read manga. The guy was also kinda busy because of his work so we reply like very long time. hahaha. Is this kind of progress? I hope so.

Day 28 April 16

Morning routine. Wake up. MISSING HIM. Listen to motivational videos. Cry. I calm down. take shower, eat, prepare to go lab.

I realized many things nowadays. First, part of their culture was not to contact their ex after the breakup ANYMORE, as in EVER. So I should get over it now.

Stalked him and the “girls”. (Please don’t scold me. I know. I know. I am just torturing myself). Miss him. but I am not crying. work. Focus.

I looked at our album in my google photos. I cried TOO MUCH. I am really not helping myself.

Day 29 April 17

When I woke up this morning. I was angry at him. No crying this morning. I was so focused also in reading Manga. 4 WEEKS only has passed and i feel like it was just yesterday when he broke up with me because of how painful it is right now.  I am so confused on what should I do with my life. Should I stay here or should I go?

Everyone is saying I am getting better…. Am i?

I’m in class. Cant help not to think about him. And it just makes my heart ache.  I did not cry for the day. Cheers for that.

Day 30 April 18

I cried in the morning feeling helpless. But it was not like other days, it was just me feeling weak and missing him. not too much crying.

Listening to song “Can’t take that away – Mariah Carey”. And I am thinking that I accept everything now. Do i?

Tortured myself. The lowest time of my life. most painful feeling.

Day 31 April 19

Hurt. Cried. Getting better. Hurt again. My friend introduce someone to me. Cute guy. Bad boy image. I forgot about him when we drink together. I felt the happiness again. Idk if this happiness will be just for short time but the fact that i can smile again and feel butterflies is kind of good now.

Day 32 April 20

No crying. just sad. Thinking bout the new guy.

Day 33 April 21

No crying. But i still remember him at some point which makes me a little sad.

Day 34 April 22

No crying. still thinking however.

Day 35 April 23

Good morning. My friend’s birthday. I started to write again in my journal. After what happened. I hope it is a good thing.

Day  36 April 24

No crying. Fave music so far. The Middle by Zedd

Day 37 April 25

I can sleep well now. No crying, but somehow I felt sad. I still cant use instagram but I can use facebook. stopping myself to stalk.

Day 38 April 26

Trying to be strong. I woke up in the morning telling myself if I did great.

Day 39 to 42 April 27-30

No crying within 11 days. is it a good thing? I guess?

Day 43-44 May 1-2

Im started to think about him again.. Stop. Please.

Day 45 May 3

The sadness is back. Please. Go away. I learned that he wants to join our office dinner if there will be. That fact alone makes me sad, scared, lonely AGAIN. I am angry because HE IS REALLY TOTALLY OKAY. That he didn’t event think about my situation if I am going to be okay on seeing him. I know I know.. Those who were already moved on REALLY DON’T CARE on those things. WHY? because they only think about themselves. THAT’S WHY I AM REALLY ANGRY. I am not okay on seeing him being okay. I blocked him on fb, instagram and kakao. I don’t use those social media because I don’t want anything that reminds me of him. And now he wants to go here!? WTF. He is really torturing me. He is really not helping me. I told him that I can give up everything just to forget him. I will go back to my country just to be far from him and not to be connected to him. And then like that!?! I was getting better. I was improving day by day. And thinking about the fact that I will see him makes the past few days nothing and I’m going back to the crying and helpless girl. That night, I called my friend and asked him if he is available to drink. We drink. We went to club. That makes me a little okay.

Day 47 May 5

My friend’s birthday. Clubbing with the other guy.

Day 48 May 6

Went home early in the morning 6am from clubbing. Going home makes me really sad. I was reminded of him. @)#(@$)@(&@# I woke up 12nn, I cannot sleep that much because the sadness is there again….

Day 50 May 8

The fact that I cannot sleep continuously again is back. I keep thinking about him AGAIN. I CRIED. I LOST. </3

Day 51-61 May 9-19

I woke up again in the middle of the night. This means. I still keep thinking of him. which is not good. Go away.

Just thinking. No crying.

Day 62. May 20

I CRIED.

Day 63. May 21

I am really jealous, feeling angry. How can he make me so pitiful. I am longing for him when he found already his happiness. I want to be happy. But I am not helping myself. Wake up and accept everything. Everyone around you saying that he will never like you back anymore so pick up yourself and find someone who will like you too much and will want to be forever with you. Fight. Live your life.

Day 70 May 28

No crying. No missing. Just depressed. Thinking negative thoughts. Like really negative. Discrimination.Everything. The worst ever.

Day 75 June 2

That picture.

Day 81 June 8

Cried. I let it all out again in Noraebang with my friend. Because last night, my friend stalked him. and that’s it. We saw those pictures. I felt really down. MY world is shattering again into pieces. My heart gets broken again everytime I hear news about him.. This is not what I should be.

Day 91 June 18

Nothing.

Day 100 June 27

Day 105 July 1

His Birthday. The night before, we stalked him with my friend. And yeah. He looks so happy. Which made me think…… That I became the loser… I should not make him the winner.. that he can show everyone that he can be happy without me.. He doesn’t care anymore.. And you should not also care… YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPIER..

Day 108 July 4

Day 134 July 30

I cried too much again. It’s been a while. and it hurts. still.

Day 135 July 31

Embracing the pain for this day. I’ve been through this process many times so I should know now how to handle this thing. Maybe now, I should be selfish. and think about myself now.

Day 157 August 22

Its been 5 months now. the pain is back. when it shouldn’t. I was okay during the past few days and now its back. Until when will I write here like this? I should stop thinking. Because thinking rots my body and brain and my emotion. Be happy. PLEASE.

Day 201 October 5

When my heart started to feel the pain again.

Day 212 October 16

I was contemplating whether to unblock him or not. I ended up not unblocking him. Why do I even spend my time thinking about it? It is fall. The environment makes me feel a little gloomy.

Day 254 November 27

I wasnt able to write here about these past few days starting nov. 22… It was back. I lost. I cried. Damn guys. This is me.. trying to condition my mind to not think of him. Been here many times.